i almost didn't quite catch it. throughout the week, which i would say are the beginning of the extremely busy days, there has been constant pangs of unrest, that i just couldn't put my finger on. automatically you would attribute it to assignment stress, the lack of sleep or just the looming cloud of having to think about future plans. don't quite know how it ping-ed in my head, but it did. i am missing the time spent with God. Just like how a person in love misses the time being with his/her other half and wants to spend every waking moment (and dreaming ones) with them, i miss the hours spent like before. on the piano. singing. quiet moments where the verses ring so loud and clear. miss those TOD worship sessions. its just time spent in a person's presence. only that person isnt just any other person, but God.

Songs of Solomon 8:6 6 Set me as a seal upon your heart, As a seal upon your arm; For love is as strong as death, Jealousy as cruel as the grave; Its flames are flames of fire, A most vehement flame.

this verse caught my eye during one of those fb scroll through. there are many aspects to our relationship with God. that of a Saviour, who died for us, that of a Master, whom we surrender everything to, that of a Commander, and we are His soldiers, disciplined and ready for war, that of a Teacher whom we learn and grow from and that of a Lover, as we are the Bride of Christ. (and also many more) i think i've almost forgotten that last aspect for a quite a while now. till Doreen mentioned about God being a jealous God. till i heard the lyrics to an old song. till i realized again, how much i miss Him. you know how, despite how busy you are, if that person you love calls/text/request to spend time together, you would drop everything else yeah. hahhah im sure u know what im talking about. its the same with Him. the verse says a seal upon the heart. it's a binding love. vehement flame. intense love. love as strong as death. something you'll have forever. not something you could give up easily for other things in life. so God, take me deeper in love with You again.


just reading this passage i found on Lex's blog brings a small smile on my face. yes, i guess you can say it a tad over the top in its explanation and there are things i dont agree with - but there is something that caught my eye there. it probably is just me coz i wholeheartedly agree that most couples spend too much time together. Especially if you're relationship is long distance. Are daily checkups and skype calls really necessary? everyday? hmmm, maybe. maybe not. :) i guess my view on this whole LDR-spending-extra-time-with-each-other is pretty lopsided because we've somehow managed to work out our relationship without them. and if you think about it, its not gonna be the amount of time spent as a couple or feelings you feel for each other that is gonna keep you together once you get married. it will be your choice to stay with that other person despite these factors. I am grateful there is a trust between us. and also this space that allows each other to focus on our current separate lives over here and back home. he has his ministry and I have mine. by allowing these ministries (& God) to take priority over our relationship, it clearly allows God to work more effectively through us.

I think it’s great for two people to be together. That is a good number. I think, that to keep it alive though,you can’t spend every day together. It wears out the magic, Love means nothing to me if it’s not fortified with fierce, painful longing, brief explosive instances of furious passion and intimacy and then a sad parting for a time. In that way, you can give your life to it and still have a life of your own. I think some couples spend too much time together. They flatten out the potential for experience by constant closeness. Passion builds over time like steam. Let it rage until it’s exhausted and then leave it alone to let it build up again. Why can’t love be insane and distorted? How can it be vital if it has the same threshold as normal day-to-day experience? Why can’t you write burning letters and let your nocturnal self smolder with desire for one who is not there? Why not let the days before you see her be excruciating and ferment in your mind so on the day you go to the airport to pick her up, you’re nearly sick with anticipation? And then when desire shows the first sign of contentment, throw it back it its cage and let it slowly build itself back into a state of starved fury. Then when you are together, it all matters. So that when you look into her eyes, you lose your balance, so that when she touches you, it feels like you have never been touched before. When she says your name, you think it was she who named you. When she has gone, you bury your face in the pillow to smell her hair and you lie awake at night remembering your face in her neck, her breathing and the amazing smell of her skin. Your eyes go wet because you want her so bad and miss her so much. Now that is worth the miles and the time. That matches the inferno of life. Otherwise you poison each other with your presence day after day as you drag each other through the inevitable mundane aspects of your lives. That is the slow death that I see slapped on faces everywhere I go. It’s part of the world’s sadness that’s more empty than cold, poorly lit rooms in cities of the American night. Henry Rollins

truth & love

in the light of the new year, this year's resolution is rather more achievable in some sense (as compared with the idea of loosing weight, hahah) and in some ways, more painful. pastor mentioned about how we should stop making excuses and shifting the blame. its funny how almost immediately after making a decision to stop shifting the blame on others, so many situations have cropped up as if to test this resolution. aiiih. sometimes its really hard to just admit "it was my fault."

recently, a few conversations with friends have popped up giving us a chance to be frank and honest with each other - about our weaknesses. something i really cringe thinking about. gah. its not easy hearing what others have to say about your weaknes. especially when you have been the one handing out the criticisms most of the time. something to be said about my need for humility.

nevertheless, i'm thankful for friends who care enough to be able to point out my faults, mistakes and weaknesses. you don't get many people like that in your life. :) Sue Ann posted this article on her facebook the other day, and it got me musing. You can't love with just encouragement and kind words. It requires truth, and the truth as much as we hate to admit it, hurts. The excerpt explains it really well, not just for marriage but any relationship in which we hope to love with God's love.

read more of the article here.

the reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the Gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The Gospel is: we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, and at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.