remembering tonight

dear boyfriend,
i write this from my little haven of pillows and a warm snuggly comforter,
 the place where i feel closest to home. tonight was a typical session of girl
talk with the girls at house 50. we talked about love and everything pertaining
 to it. boyfriends, relationship problems, the way girls think, marriages, kids,
 how we percieve good looking, things we look for in a guy and everything
under the sun that you could think of.

and after everything, I'm writing this down in case I ever forget and get caught
up with the world around me. People always seem to remember a precise
moment where they knew they had fallen in love. I've never had that moment
before this. Perhaps our love was more of a gradual blossoming where we grew so
comfortably into. But just five minutes ago, walking back to my room under
the cool skies and bright lights, I found a moment. And that moment is precisely
when I knew that you are the real deal.  You who would tell me to enjoy my
experience here while you are a thousand kilometeres away, you who would
give me the space and time to miss you and you who makes long distance
relationships seem so light and bearable.

You are everything I could ever wish to have and no one else comes close. :)

msn conversations

3/10/2010 10:29:18 PM  Sue Jan    i miss you bee bee jus.3/10/2010 10:30:40 PM  Andrew    ^_^
3/10/2010 10:30:50 PM  Andrew    me too. I miss me. HAHAHA no la. miss you ( =
3/10/2010 10:31:02 PM  Sue Jan    YERRR. SO SELF CENTERED WAN!
3/10/2010 10:31:13 PM  Andrew    haha
3/10/2010 10:33:48 PM  Sue Jan    okays... i am sleeps! good night sweets. love you too!
3/10/2010 10:33:55 PM  Andrew   good night

silly-billy.

you do the silliest things. but i love it. :)
can we do that jiggy jiggy dance thing to silly music on xfm while driving again? 

safe

This is what went through my head on Saturday night at 2ish am after a brief 
moment of nervous unsurity and a frightening ride home.“ I feel at home whenever 
you're around, I feel so secure, so safe and sound.” two hours is more than enough 
time for me to decide where I really want to be.

{edit}

that line is actually from Melissa Polinar's Meant to Be. Dah sah I listen to it too 
much. tsk tsk. anyways, the words are beautiful so i thought I'd share. Here you go:

verse:
slowly stars go out each night
dark meets light, kiss the sun goodnight
new day comes as though life's just begun 
you're now mine

and everytime you hold my hand 
there's an understanding of who i am
new life is born, unlike before i'm now yours
you can feel it in the summer breeze
tonight, the world's at ease

chorus:
you are the one for me
after all the waiting i can finally breathe
earth and sky say what they may
i will love you all throughout my days
happiness happens when our hearts combine
when its you i'm with i come alive
its just so clear to see
darling, we are meant to be
 
verse:
your love is like amazing grace
sound so sweet i can almost taste
i've been given more
than what i could ever ask for, i am yours

i can feel it in the summer breeze
tonight, the world's at ease
 
bridge:
i feel at home whenever you're around
i feel so secure, so safe and sound
what else can i say? what else can i say?

certificate paper


I am wide awake thinking about tonight. I cannot fall asleep and therefore screwing up all possibilities 
of correcting my sleep cycle as to how they were some months ago. Then again, 6 months ago, I wasn’t 
even really sleeping much. This horrible night is still on me and after struggling to turn off all the voices, 
arguments and debates going on in my head, I simply plead, “God, help me….. please.” desperate to turn 
off the pain that thuds angrily in my head.

A thought springs up in my head. I fleetingly contemplate it . And then I get up and move to my dresser, 
pick up a piece of paper that sits in front of my mirror. I am reading Barbara Lanzdorf’s prophecy to me. 
And it says there that God is going to heal my ability to receive love, to know love and to be loved. 

You were made for God‘s love. And you were made to be loved. And you are qualified to be loved.
You are worthy of love.

Funny, when I first received it, I was actually quite surprise. On one hand, I mean I didn’t come from 
any situation that could have had me built up a wall to be unable to receive love. At least I think I didn’t. 
Still in the midst of figuring that one out. On the other hand, the situation tonight {which I shall just 
term it as relationship problems to save all hassle of explaining} has shed some light into my inability to 
receive love or perhaps the realization that I am GOOD enough to be loved. 

“why do you love me?” she asked
“Because, I just do….” He replied tenderly.
“But why? I need to know why.” she pressed on.

And the answer is staring back at me on this certificate piece of paper that Gillian so painstakingly 
took to transcribe and print out. 

Because I’m His creation.
Because He created me.
Because he took time to make me.
To plan me. To form me.
Because I was made out of love.

And yet, this answer is only halfway through to my heart. Like a tetris block that slowly sinks down 
to the bottom. Only now I cannot press any buttons to accelerate it’s sinking process. And just like any 
normal tetris game, this block of undiluted truth might somehow get stuck at the wrong place and 
never get digested properly, leaving me short of achieving the best possible marks. Yes I said it was an 
answer, but there is only so much you can understand with your brain and the rest is up to your heart. 
Because a lot of things you might understand up there in your brain, but the heart, which seemingly 
looks like a dark forest, with the littlest amount of light trickling in makes it hard for that answer to find 
its way through, often getting choked by lies, confusion, deceit, manipulation and bondage. 

And so I have come to a conclusion that the only way that so very important answer is gonna find its 
place fitted where it belongs lies in a very simple Sunday School song, which we all seem to know and yet 
find it difficult to practice. Not you? Well okay, I guess me then. It goes, Read your bible, pray everyday. 

Dear Jesus, I’m running back.