I am wide awake thinking about tonight. I cannot fall asleep and therefore screwing up all possibilities
of correcting my sleep cycle as to how they were some months ago. Then again, 6 months ago, I wasn’t
even really sleeping much. This horrible night is still on me and after struggling to turn off all the voices,
arguments and debates going on in my head, I simply plead, “God, help me….. please.” desperate to turn
off the pain that thuds angrily in my head.
A thought springs up in my head. I fleetingly contemplate it . And then I get up and move to my dresser,
pick up a piece of paper that sits in front of my mirror. I am reading Barbara Lanzdorf’s prophecy to me.
And it says there that God is going to heal my ability to receive love, to know love and to be loved.
You were made for God‘s love. And you were made to be loved. And you are qualified to be loved.
You are worthy of love.
Funny, when I first received it, I was actually quite surprise. On one hand, I mean I didn’t come from
any situation that could have had me built up a wall to be unable to receive love. At least I think I didn’t.
Still in the midst of figuring that one out. On the other hand, the situation tonight {which I shall just
term it as relationship problems to save all hassle of explaining} has shed some light into my inability to
receive love or perhaps the realization that I am GOOD enough to be loved.
“why do you love me?” she asked
“Because, I just do….” He replied tenderly.
“But why? I need to know why.” she pressed on.
And the answer is staring back at me on this certificate piece of paper that Gillian so painstakingly
took to transcribe and print out.
Because I’m His creation.
Because He created me.
Because he took time to make me.
To plan me. To form me.
Because I was made out of love.
And yet, this answer is only halfway through to my heart. Like a tetris block that slowly sinks down
to the bottom. Only now I cannot press any buttons to accelerate it’s sinking process. And just like any
normal tetris game, this block of undiluted truth might somehow get stuck at the wrong place and
never get digested properly, leaving me short of achieving the best possible marks. Yes I said it was an
answer, but there is only so much you can understand with your brain and the rest is up to your heart.
Because a lot of things you might understand up there in your brain, but the heart, which seemingly
looks like a dark forest, with the littlest amount of light trickling in makes it hard for that answer to find
its way through, often getting choked by lies, confusion, deceit, manipulation and bondage.
And so I have come to a conclusion that the only way that so very important answer is gonna find its
place fitted where it belongs lies in a very simple Sunday School song, which we all seem to know and yet
find it difficult to practice. Not you? Well okay, I guess me then. It goes, Read your bible, pray everyday.
Dear Jesus, I’m running back.
